Wednesday, July 8, 2020

पढ़िए एक व्यंग्य


दोस्तों, बहुत समय बाद पुरूषों के चटोरेपन पर एक व्यंग्य लिखा है, पढ़िए भारत भास्कर में और आनंद लीजिए।
मूल पाठ
यह मुंह और उनकी प्रयोगशाला 

आप सोच रहे होंगे कि प्रयोगशाला से हमारे मुंह का क्या लेना देना है। लेकिन मैं बताऊंगा तो आप सब भी अपना मुंह संभाल कर बैठ जाएंगे। अब बात ही कुछ ऐसी है जानते सब हैं, मानते भी सब हैं लेकिन बताने की हिम्मत किसी में नहीं। 
अब बिल्ली के गले में घंटी बांधेगा भी कौन भला। 
तो बात यह है कि जबसे शादी हुई है हमारा मुंह प्रयोगशाला बन गया है, जहां सुबह उठने से लेकर रात सोने तक टेस्टिंग चलती रहती है और रात दिन टेस्टिंग से जीभ का स्वाद भी जाता रहा है।
अब यह बड़ा मुंह छोटी बात हो जाएगी या जबरदस्त तकरार ही हो जाएगी यदि मैं प्रयोग के लिए इंकार कर दूं...
यह दर्द मेरा अकेले का भी नहीं है, जितने भी शर्मा जी, वर्मा जी, श्रीमान जी हैं, जो पत्नी को लहसुन, प्याज काट कर देते हैं, आलू, मटर छील कर देते हैं। यह सबका ही दर्द है। सारे के सारे हम श्रीमती जी की प्रयोगशाला के श्वेत मूषक ही हैं पहले पिताजी भी यही धर्म निभाते थे और जब से शादी हुई है उनके ही पद चिन्हों पर हम चल रहे हैं, हमारे बाद यह गद्दी बेटा संभालेगा... यह एक ऐसी प्रयोगशाला है, जिसका अनुभव असल जिंदगी में ही आ पाता है थ्योरी में कहीं पढ़ाया नहीं गया था।
मुझे हर दिन मुंह की खानी पड़ती है, यदि गलती से भी सब्जी में नमक-मिर्च कम ज्यादा हो जाए। तुरंत पूछा जाता है किसने चेक किया था, बनाने वाले से ज्यादा चखने वाले की गलती ही पॉइंटेड की जाती है।
लेकिन यही सच है इस समय मेरा मुंह प्रयोगशाला ही बना हुआ है। यह भी सच है कि कोई भी नया काम करने के लिए  प्रयोग होने जरूरी है, तब जाकर ही कार्य सिद्ध हो पाता है, सरकार के पास भी कई प्रयोगशालाएं हैं, जैसे भौतिक विज्ञान, रसायन विज्ञान, जन्तु विज्ञान, और वनस्पति विज्ञान।  इन सभी में रात दिन प्रयोग होने पर ही मनुष्य का जीवन सरल और सहज हो पाता है। बहरहाल ब्यूटी विदाउट क्रुएलिटी नामक संस्था के मुताबिक हर साल दुनिया में 11. 5 करोड़ जन्तु प्रयोगशाला में मारे जाते हैं, जिसमें बंदर, खरगोश, चूहे मुख्य रूप से इस्तेमाल होते हैं। स्कूलों की प्रयोगशाला में भी कॉकरोच, मेंढक, चूहे प्रयोग में लिए जाते हैं। फिलहाल मैं भी अपने आप को उनकी पाककला की प्रयोगशाला में प्रयुक्त होने वाला सफेद चूहा समझने लगा हूं।

हम पुरूषों को तो हमेशा से चटोरा ही कहा जाता रहा है, कभी भूलकर भी ज़रा सी फरमाइश की नहीं कि सुनने को मिलता है , "अरे लीला क्या करूं बंटी के पापा तो यह खाते हैं' वह खाते हैं, सारी उम्र इनकी फरमाइश में बीत रही है, क्या है कि खाने पीने के शौकीन हैं"। अब जैसे मैडम तो कुछ खाती ही नहीं हैं। खैर पकवान की एक थाली बनते-बनते मुझे कितनी परीक्षाओं से गुजरना होता है, यह जान लोगे तो समझ पाओगे आदमी किस मिट्टी का बना होता है, सबसे पहले झोला उठाकर सब्जी लाता है, दो  मिनट आराम किया नहीं कि श्रीमती जी मटर रख जाती हैं छीलने के लिए, अभी मटर छील कर जीत हासिल ही करता है कि आवाज़ आती है, सुनो ज़रा दूध के पास खड़े हो जाओ न, अच्छा सुनो! खड़े-खड़े आलू ही चीज दो, सुनो! मुंह खोलो, देखो नमक दो बार तो नहीं पड़ गया...अच्छा जरा कढ़ाही में चमचा चला दो। डिब्बे पकड़ लो टेबल पर रखने में मदद कर दो और इसके बाद... खीरा सही-सही काटना कढ़वा ना हो... प्याज काटना भूल गया तो बस सुनने को मिला,... आपसे तो छोटा सा काम भी नहीं होता...।
 मैं जरा पसीना पौंछ ही रहा था कि रसोई से आवाज़ आने लगी, मैं अकेली कितना काम करूंगी, मेरा दिल ही जानता है, सारा दिन रसोई में खड़े रहो तो पता चले कोई एक कप चाय तक नहीं पूछने वाला...। और उनकी इन बातों पर बच्चे ही नहीं पिताजी भी हां में गर्दन हिलाते और मुझे घूरते नज़र आते हैं।
दोस्तों हद तो उस वक्त हो जाती है, जब वह बड़े प्यार से बोलती है, सुनो! जरा मुंह खोलना... मैं जैसे ही पूछने के लिए मुंह खोलता हूं, चम्मच मेरे मुंह में... अब मेरे चेहरे का परीक्षण होता है। अगर गुस्से से मुंह बन जाता है तो जवाब मिलता है, "गुस्सा क्यों होते हो दूध फटा है या दही बन गया चेक कर रही थी, अब मेरा मुंह खराब हो इस बात से कुछ लेना देना नहीं उन्हें तो उनकी मां ने कहा था, पति के दिल का दरवाजा उसके पेट से होकर जाता है" तब से आज तक दिन-रात उन्होंने मेरे पेट के दरवाज़े को बंद ही नहीं होने दिया। मुंह चख-चखकर चटोरा हो चुका है और पेट फूल कर  गैस, खट्टी डकार, बदहजमी का शिकार हो गया है।
दोस्तों सरकार ने तो प्रयोगशाला में जानवरों पर प्रयोग की रोक लगा दी है,  लेकिन हमारे मुंह का बचना नामुमकिन है।
सुनीता शानू

19 comments:

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  17. Benefits of studying Mbbs in philippines
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  18. Studying medicine at Georgian National University in Georgia
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आपके सुझावों के लिये आपका स्वागत है